Question.

Victoria, I am going on a summer vacation with my husband in two weeks and I need help getting my a** in a swimsuit without wearing one of those old lady ones like my grandmother has. You know the one with the built in skirt. Help Victoria! What can I do? – J. McMurphy

Hello Ms J. You sure know how to challenge me don’t you? First… whatever you do, make sure your husband does NOT see you in a “skirt swimsuit”. There is only so much Viagra can do girlfriend!

Hey buddy! So you want to lose weight, eh? Its summertime and you want to look all nice and hot for those babes at the beach. Ok, here’s what you have to do if you want this to happen quickly; eat lots of cabbage and drink a gallon of prune juice twice daily at noon . . . no wait. Hmm, try this; eat nothing but ice cream and lard for the next three weeks or until the next full moon . . . no that’s not it either. Aha! Here we go; eat six hotdogs per day (with syrup), while cutting out all meat products and carbs . . . . . what? Why are you giving me that look?? Ok, so maybe that wasn’t quite your cup of tea . . . Did I mention tea? Try this magic herbal-essence tea, with the special fat melting ingredient, Babaganoosh. Of course to ensure its potency, the only additional foods you can eat is two loaves of rye bread with pickles and mayonnaise . . . STOP THE MADNESS ALREADY!!!